Gram

I am so sad.

I knew I would be sad with the passing of Gram, but I am so much sadder than I thought I would be.  Not the "always-crying-cant-catch-your-breath" sad, but the quiet, calm, heart hurting sad. The sad where I don't really want to do anything.  I guess I am sad about the future- no more memories with her, no more pictures of her.  I was talking to my Aunt after the funeral and she commented, "We will look at pictures differently now".  It is so true.  I  look at the hundreds and hundreds of pictures I have of her, and while I used to think I had so many, I look at them now and think that there aren't enough. Maybe because I know now that this is all I have; there is now a "last picture" of her.

We have had a few weeks to get back into our routines; I have gone back to work, and life is moving forward again.  But every so often, something reminds me of her and my throat closes up.  Does it ever get any easier? I don't remember this after my father died.  Maybe it was because I was so much younger and more self-involved?  Perhaps it is because she was such a huge part of my everyday life for so many more years than he was. I don't know.  This time around, it seems a lot harder.

I haven't seen any sort of sign from her yet.  While my sister thinks I am way too closed off to receive such a gift, I've seen signs from others, feelings of them being there or when they visit me in dreams.  But nothing from her yet. No dreams, nothing. Huh.

I started thinking about her this morning, believe it or not, listening to 80's music while straightening up.  Gram loved beautiful church songs, such as "Ave Maria" and "On Eagle's Wings", but had an AC/DC album in her collection. She and I danced to "Old Time Rock and Roll" at my wedding.  She was something!

So, now I am going through some old stuff and came across the "Mangia! Mangia!" family recipe packet my cousin Colleen put together for us at our 1994 Family Christmas Party.  Below is Gram's submission, "Pasta and Kidney Beans". I copied it exactly how she wrote it.  Note that there are no specific measurements, except for the amount of beans. Old timers just knew how to cook. I don't remember ever having this dish, but think I may make it today. 

Pasta and Kidney Beans
Alice Costello

Sauté onion and garlic in oil. Add water plus drained and rinsed kidney beans (1 can). Cook until kidney beans give water a little color. You may need more water. Cook any pasta- chili mac, elbow macaroni, or broken macaroni. Mix together. Add salt and pepper to taste. Good anytime, especially Lent.

I'll let you know how it turns out.







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